


the art of living

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Brotherly Bonding, F/M, Implied Mpreg, M/M, Slytherin Common Room, Slytherin Harry Potter, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:47:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26459686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Lily and James don't have a happy marriage. In the midst of the drama, Harry is forgotten. (abandoned-orphaned-left)
Relationships: Dirk Cresswell/Lily Evans Potter, Harry Potter/Blaise Zabini, Sirius Black/James Potter
Comments: 15
Kudos: 154





	1. Of living

Lily Evans had never wanted a fairytale ending to her story. She was a woman of unsettling imagination and impatience. She longed for change in her life. She was reckless like her house banners suggested but not much noble. Having a best friend in Slytherin taught her cunning and ambition. Unfortunately, she also picked up on the aloofness and cold feelings the Slytherins generated, draining her ruthness and kindness she felt for others. Therefore, she wasn't quite happy with her marriage to James Potter of all people, who had fallen in love with her. But he was rich and handsome, and she was ruthless and according to James, 'the perfect wife ever.' It was a win-win situation for her.

Until she got pregnant.

She hates the responsiblities that come with having a child. And the cherry on top could not be bigger when James Potter left her for the whelp of a human, Sirius Black. Cue sarcasm. Not to mention she had a two year old to take care of, out of marriage. Honestly, why she had married the idiot...

(She would slowly take revenge on Potter's brat. Slowly, but surely.)

Harry Potter’s mother had married Dirk Creswell, a German artist, when he was three, just one year after James Potter had left her for his godfather, Sirius Black. Her second wedding was as different to the first one as she could imagine. Where the first one was merely traditions and slow dancing, this one was a full blown-out disco party with all of Dirk’s bachelor and bachelorette friends. But that day was when everything in Harry Potter’s life changed.

Where he was first used to being daddy and mummy’s (grudgingly) apple o’ the eye, he was now cast aside. Lily Evans (she wanted to keep her maiden name) and Dirk Creswell were both outgoing and recreative, thus taking most of the space in pubs and planes and portkeys. From one tourist spot to another they travelled, sometimes taking little Harry along for the ride but more often than not, he was left alone in their small cozy house.

At five, Harry had become in charge of cleaning, cooking, and washing the clothes. He almost never saw his mother, who was currently acting as a model for one of Dirk’s magical portraits. He had shown magical signs more often while cleaning. His mother loathed him with disgust that often matched Harry's disgust of parasites. He would always be the bane of existence for his mother. 

He loved his mother really, but she always tended to ignore him during meals, or when they were in the room together. One day, it so happened that she barely spared him a glance at his fourth grade report card – straight A’s – and was instead busy drinking her most precious wine - which he was absolutely not allowed to go near. In his anger and extreme hurt, the wine bottle she clutched in her hand magically burst and he had faced the wrath of a very-very angry Lily and Dirk. Thankfully, though his only punishment was to clean the attic.

Where he found the picture of two handsome men leaning against each other. Too close. Confused, he asked his mum about the two men, and she told him the full story. How his father had left her by marrying his best friend who was his godfather, and now they had a baby and were enjoying their lives completely and she had drunkenly added – how Harry was so much of a burden on Potter that he had left him alone with her whilst enjoying their lives and how she could have been more outgoing and –

_There was guilt gnawing at his heart. Broken heart. To hear all sorts of the worst profanity...uttered by his mother at him, his mother who didn't dare to look at him, who was disgusted at him, who thought he was the worst of existence alive..._

\- but she had passed out and thankfully Harry hadn’t heard the rest of the sentence. But whatever it was did not concern him since she had already broken his heart. He had always wanted to make her proud and happy but -but – was this what she thought of him? A burden?

He cried himself to sleep.

* * *

At Hogwarts, he was sorted into Slytherin, where he immediately bonded with Theodore Nott, a small boy with blue eyes and brown hair and Blaise Zabini, a tanned boy with striking blue eyes and fluffy hair. Where Nott was all quiet and studious, Zabini was outgoing and loved Quidditch. The three of them had loads of things in common, and their friendship started off perfectly. But when he lay on his bed that night, after the feast, he thought about his father whom he had seen at the station.

He could see the resemblance between him and his father, and except that he had freckles, and green eyes, everything was perfectly the same. Beside his father stood his godfather, who had dark hair and grey eyes, and who was waving at him slowly, as if afraid of his reaction. Harry just smiled and nodded to him, and man looking at him with sad hazel eyes. James Potter. Sirius Black and James Potter. James _Black_ and Sirius _Black._ He had read their names. James _Potter_ had changed his name to Potter-Black. And- and he felt quite lonely-he was the last Potter-and it - _why_ hadn’t his _real_ father ever contacted him?

Slowly he slid out of his bed and started writing the letters. The letters-that-are-never-meant-to-be-sent.

* * *

> ~~Dear Father or Godfather~~
> 
> ~~To Dad and Goddad~~
> 
> ~~To whom it may concern~~
> 
> Father, and Godfather,
> 
> It was a ~~reget~~ pleasure to meet you. I ~~have many questions for you~~ would like to know about your ~~son~~ wellbeing. I am ~~angry, frustrated~~ in Slytherin. I have made two friends, Theodore Nott and Blaise Zabini. ~~I wish I could have lived with you. You were friendly, nice~~ Professor Snape at first disliked me very much, but we have come to a mutual understanding.
> 
> I became the youngest seeker in the century. I heard you played Seeker as well as Chaser. I saw your trophy. ~~and wanted to~~ I also made a new friend in Neville Longbottom. I hear his parents were once good friends with ~~Lily~~ mum and ~~dad~~ you.
> 
> Thank you for the cloak. I already sent a thank-you note ~~but i still have many questions.~~ Theo and I already used to sneak around and it was quite a bit of a trouble sometimes to use notice-me-not charms. Especially when we once laughed at a nude troll. And combined with my sneak-o-glasses, which are glasses that can help you see in the dark, we can ~~conquer Hogwarts~~ manage mischief splendidly. 
> 
> Exams are arriving. ~~Lily~~ Mum rarely sends a letter anymore. Last she said, she was pregnant. She also said that I ~~must~~ can live with Theodore. ~~I wish I could live with you.~~
> 
> Well, that’s my first year in a pinch.
> 
> ~~Love~~ Harry Potter.
> 
> ~~PS: I know im never gonna send this, but i still bother writing because i dont think i have a reason to live-i mean coudnt i have lived with you? why didnt u ever visit?send letters?~~
> 
> * * *

Unbeknownst to Harry, Hedwig actually delivered his ~~frustration release paper~~ letter to two very surprised people. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Year 2. James Potter sends a letter.

James Potter was a foolish, idiotic, lazy and spoiled prat. He admits it. He is self-centered. So much so, that he has forgotten his own son... To think of all the times they could have had...

Slowly, he began writing a letter of his own...to his first son. 

> ~~Dear Harry~~
> 
> Son,
> 
> How are you? I am doing well, perhaps. It's nice to see you enjoyed our brief meeting. Well, I see you had a good year. Although your sorting is quite unexpected, not that I mind. I ~~hope to see you next year~~ will be there at the station for you. 
> 
> If you have any questions, which I'm sure you do, please ask. Sirius is doing well. He sends his regards. Congratulations for securing the position for seeker! Too bad I support Gryffindor..
> 
> ~~Love~~ Best wishes, 
> 
> James Potter 

Harry had quite a shock at Nott's house when he received the letter. He wanted to burn Hedwig. Curse her to inexistence. But he didn't. Because it was the only gift he had from his mother that wasn't useless. 

Tomorrow was September 1st, and he was going to Hogwarts. And although his mum wouldn't be there, he had his father. And godfather. He tucked away the letter, planning to write in his school. 

* * *

Second year started quite well. Harry and James Potter wrote frequently, but not much. During Halloween that year, Professor Snape and Mcgonagall, called him with grim faces to Dumbledore's office. So there he stood, in Dumbledore's office, with all its instruments and fancy items, staring at his Phoenix silently, waiting for Dumbledore to arrive. 

"Lemon drop, Mr.Potter?" 

"Pardon?"

"It is a muggle sweet I indulge in, often," Harry nodded, and not knowing what to answer, he continued petting the Phoenix. "Have a seat, Mr Potter,"

"I'm sure you know that we have called you for an important reason." Here he took a deep breath and sighed softly, before continuing, "I'm afraid your step-father died in a car accident, just after your mother gave birth to Amaryllis Cress-well. It is going to be hard for her to continue to take care for you. Your father and godfather will continue your guardianship,"

He stared at him silent. _"What?!"_

* * *

He stood at the station awkwardly. It was summer holidays and the year had ended, and he was asked to come to his new home, to help understand each other better and whatnot as the letter had said. He had attended Dirk's funeral with Professor Snape, and taken a look at his step-sister, who had blonde curls, and bright green eyes like his own. She also had a line of freckles adoring her cheek, and she looked quite like her mother. When he had looked at his mother, she hadn't said anything of importance. She had gently smiled at him, and apparated away before saying a word. 

His remaining items were sent to him by the home owl, Humor, two days later, without a note. 

Blaise Zabini was by his side, right now, as Theo had disappeared somewhere. And there his father stood, with his godfather, and a ten year old boy between them who looked like James with Sirius Black's eyes. His half-brother. His name was Leo. He nodded at them, said his goodbyes to Blaise, and headed towards them. 

"Good morning, sir," he said. 

"I'm afraid it's evening," Sirius joked. "Good evening Mr. Black. Mr. Potter. Leo." He nodded at them.

"Ah! No, call me Sirius, and him, dad or James or whatever you like, Mr. Black sounds like my father," Sirius said, wrinkling his nose. 

"Good evening, Harry. How was your year so far?" Harry stared at him. "It was- o-kay, I guess," he answered, not wanting to sound too uncaring about his step-father's death. 

"Uh-er, well, I'm sorry about that... You must have been close..." James Potter said, and Harry knew it was painful for him to say that. Shrugging indifferently, he said, "Not much of a change," 

The Blacks all nodded uncomfortably, until a familiar voice shouted, "Bye, Harry!" and he turned around and saw Theo, who was waving at him, and he waved back, not noticing the looks of surprise flicker at his guardian's faces. "Bye!" he shouted back. Then he turned to look at Leo, "Wanna play runes-square when we get home?" (it felt odd saying home, since he hadn't had a home for years... but-)

"What's a runes-square?" Leo asked uncomfortably.

Now _that_ was a subject Harry could go on about. 


	3. Lettering letters

_A week after James Potter's first letter to Harry-_

> Father, 
> 
> Thank you for coming to the station. Mum is heavily pregnant, and it was nice of you to see me off. I enjoyed my stay at the Nott's. You are quite right, I have many questions for you:
> 
> What's my half-brother's name?
> 
> Why did you never come to visit?
> 
> Where do you live?
> 
> Why ~~did you never even meet me~~ are you talking to me now?
> 
> Why do you regard me as your "son" when you've met me twice only?
> 
> I am sure I have a lot more questions but I want you to answer these first. 
> 
> Harry.
> 
> * * *

_Late September-_

> _Harry,_
> 
> _I do not know where to start. Leo Black is my son's name, he's named after Sirius' brother who went missing years ago. I believe it was quite difficult for me for the first few years. You see, male pregnancy, though six months, is quite hard for the bearer if they don't have a close connection to their provider. While i do and had a close connection to Sirius, we were busy during the first three months..._
> 
> _After that, i know i do not have any excuse, and i am truly sorry. I did not find you at first, and then gave up. I know it was cowardly of me, but i thought you would be happy with your mother and Mr. Creswell. For what it's worth, i'm sorry._
> 
> _I live in London, Number 6, Merton Lane. Feel free to visit us any time._
> 
> _Thanks,_
> 
> _James Potter_
> 
> * * *

_Halloween-_

> Mr. Potter,
> 
> Due to the recent death of muggleborn wizard Dirk Creswell, guardianship of Harry James Potter has been transferred temporarily to James Fleamont Potter and Sirius Orion Black, with the approval of Lily Evans-Creswell:
> 
> I, Lily Evans-Creswell, of 6646 Hilgrove Rd, Swiss Cottage, 82148-3884, as the custodial parent of:
> 
> Harry James Potter,
> 
> Do hereby grant temporary custody of Harry to:
> 
> James Fleamont Potter, of 9871 N6 Merton Lane, London, 82929-0663,
> 
> For the period of November 1, 1992, to November 19, 1993, while I go on vacation.
> 
> This temporary guardianship is to be automatically extended if I am delayed returning to Britain.
> 
> Furthermore, if while I am away there is an accident or emergency that requires physician or hospital treatment, I hereby grant Poppy Pomfrey and medical staff the right to administer said treatment.
> 
> Signed
> 
> Lily Evans-Creswell 
> 
> Notarized By:
> 
> Marius Black,
> 
> Signed
> 
> October 31, 1992
> 
> * * *

_November 3rd-_

> Godfather, 
> 
> Happy birthday!
> 
> Hope you like my gift. Thank you for signing the parchment. 
> 
> Happy wishes,
> 
> Harry
> 
> * * *

_Christmas (after an exchange of letters)-_

> Father,
> 
> How are you? I am doing well. Is Mr. Black well now? I'm sorry I cannot celebrate Christmas at your house, but I have - Slytherin - work to do this holiday. 
> 
> Thank you for your offer, 
> 
> Happy Christmas, 
> 
> Harry
> 
> * * *

_Late March-_

> Theo still doesn't believe that you sent me an invisibility cloak, a magical map, and a Firebolt for Christmas! But i have to say again, you really overdid it. But thanks anyway. So here's ur birthday gift,
> 
> Harry
> 
> * * *

The summer spent at the Black-Potter (Blotter) house was fun. Leo and Harry had a lot in common, except flying. Where Harry could zoom through the air, Leo was- _petrified_ of flying.

Both spent a lot of time reading books, and in Leo's case, pranking, (which Harry found idiotic) and playing runes-square. They spent time gardening or in the Green-house where Harry explained some of the first year basics to Leo or in the terrace where they would just talk and talk until the sun set - or rose - when Leo had a nightmare, and they talked the night through. All in all, Harry enjoyed the new family that he has gotten, and he still coudnt believe that the summer vacation was over as he crossed through the barrier to platform 9 and three quarters. 

And for the first time, Harry had a loving family he could wave back to, go home to, and write letters to. Life was good. 

(He jinxed it)

> 


	4. A change.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood. I'm sorry I spoiled it.

* * *

Fifth year is the year when things changed. It's unlike fourth year, when he felt hollow. This year he feels something. He feels excited. He has essays to complete, practicals and spells to practice, books to read, clubs and study groups to attend, a Weasley to play chess against, Weasley twins to avoid, food to double-check and doxy dropping drinks in the guise of energy boost drinks to avoid. But still, there is something that has changed- something inside him. He feels like he should know it, yet he doesn't. 

(And he doesn't know what this is until the next summer.)

Thus, he is busy. He is busy with Hogsmeade visits, essays, girlfriends, and a general something in his stomach when girls touch him. He feels like he should be happy of all the attention he is getting from girls, but- he isn't. He asks Blaise and Theo about it. 

"Maybe, you should - you know try the other party,"

"Which?"

"As in,-try _boyfriends_."

"Oh." 

Yeah, oh. He doesn't know how to feel about this. His mother has taught him all things about how unnatural and freaky gay men are. And how it's dirty, and how he should bring a nice, young witch home and make her proud. But-

-he isn't the little boy he was before, is he? He isn't the boy who tried to clean until the floors shone and until his arms died. He isn't that boy at all. He isn't the boy who used to hate his father and godfather with a passion. He isn't. And yet...

...yet, she is the only family he has. He doesn't have James and Sirius like he had back in second year. The few letters they exchange...

He has a meeting with Professor Riddle on his career choices. He suggests going for Auror, but Harry was never an action person. He might go to politics. Or become a professor. Professor Riddle says both are good options, and hopes he has a good life ahead. Maybe Harry is imagining things but he thinks he heard Professor Riddle mutter something that sounded like strange likeness. Whatever it was, Harry has another dilemma ahead of him. He doesn't know what to do. Quidditch? No. Shop? No. Perhaps a professor is a good choice. He always wanted a happy life, with kids and all that...

(He is in loss of what to do. And so, another year passes.)

But not before he accidentally walks on Blaise and Theo kissing. Something inside him twists-reaches-pulls-changes. He doesn't look at them in the eye for many days. He is at loss of what to do. They think it's because of exam tension. He doesn't correct them. A thought creeps into his mind... 

...the thought stays when he sees Leo embracing James and Sirius on platform 9 & three quarters. 

...the thought stays when Lily grabs him and apparates roughly into the house. One of his nails are splinched. 

Third year is good. He has Leo who got sorted into Slytherin, and he can write letters to Sirius and James! He almost has a family! He relishes into the feeling of being wanted. Being wanted and probably loved. He enjoys learning Arithmancy and Ancient Runes. He enjoys his time spent by the lake with Blaise and Theo and sometimes Leo. He enjoys and soaks the feeling of warmth he feels when happy. 

Fourth year is less good. He gets lesser letters from James and Sirius. He had spent the last summer with Mrs Zabini and he rarely ever hears from his mother, except for the odd birthday or Christmas gifts. He feels very alone.

He barely enjoys Quidditch and Hogsmeade visits anymore. He holes himself in the library, and also orders muggle books so he can enjoy the free time. He barely sees Theodore and Blaise. He doesn't feel like living anymore. He moves on though. He explores the castle. He finds a singing pixie. He eats in the kitchens. He reads the _Creation of Spells._ He feels very empty. 

(In fifth year he quits Quidditch.)

The summer is spent at his mother's house, looking after his sister who cries so much, he feels suffocated-empty-dark-move like bursting. 

* * *

_Fifth year:_

> _**Today, Professor Snape asked us about the ingredients of a potion. We have a big essay to write on the properties of each ingredient in a certain potion, to see the effects of one ingredient on the other and why certain ingredients act certain ways and how that makes the potion useful. I feel like every one of us are potion ingredients. We interact in different ways, and yield different results. Malfoy is spoilt rich and bossy and the day he gets along with Weasley will be the day hippogriffs are known as humble creatures by people other than Hagrid. Yeah no way.** _
> 
> _**But what I wonder-which ingredient am I? Am I the super-sensitive aconite? Or the sparkling moondust? Or the plain lemongrass? Or the weird newt-eyes?** _
> 
> _**Who am I?** _
> 
> _**-** _
> 
> _**Last year, I read, "The Creation of Spells" and it says that every ounce of magic and each letter of the spell amplifies the casting. So if I say, Wing-ar-di-um Le-vi-o-sa, the feather will lift higher than if I say, Wing-ardium Levi-o-sa, as we are taught in class. It's not used in all spells though, because, Ex-pel-li-ar-mus are too many syllables.** _
> 
> _**Does my name matter so much too?** _
> 
> _**-** _
> 
> _**How do we levitate an object?** _
> 
> _**Do we focus on our magic to lift the feather and hold it up?** _
> 
> _**Because that's what it means, doesn't it? Make the object fly.** _
> 
> _**But what if I said, Counter the gravity. What would happen then?** _
> 
> _**Prof. Flitwick said that the results wouldn't be the same, as the object will only stay afloat, and it will absorb my magic too much.** _
> 
> _**But I think I am missing something.** _
> 
> _**-** _
> 
> _**I** **don't like girlfriends. I don't like balls. I don't like feeling alone. I don't know how to be happy. How to live in the moment. Am I too sadistic? Maybe I am. How does someone feel truly happy? I don't think I have felt happiness. Maybe when I was small, I did. Maybe I am incapable. Maybe I don't deserve it. What have I done so far? Am I worthy of living?** _
> 
> _**-** _
> 
> _**I think- I- I think that-maybe- I think I - know that I am** _
> 
> _**gay.** _
> 
> _**maybe.** _
> 
> _**I hope.** _
> 
> _**it will anger mum-** _
> 
> _**-and maybe I can** _
> 
> _**leave.** _
> 
> _**-** _

_The summer after Fifth year:_

> _**This summer is boring. All the time I am thinking. Thinking and thinking. Who is the lady at the grocery shop? Why do I feel so lonely? What if I had a madman after me? I write and write and think and think. I write tales that include fairies, goblins, pixies, elves, drackens, snakes, dark lords, friends, curses, spellfires, elementals, pheonixes, werewolves, parselmouths and so many things, I don't even remember. I write about squibs falling in love with a pure blood. I write so much i buy muggle pens and paper. Sometimes I write a paragraph in an hour. Sometimes I write hundreds of pages in a day. Somethings don't even make sense.** _
> 
> _**-** _
> 
> _**It might take me some time to accept this but I don't think I have a family. I think I am an orphan. Maybe I am. I don't know why my godfather and father and brother and sister don't even send me letters anymore. I am all alone. In this world. I am like a sand on the shore of a sea. What if...-?** _
> 
> _**-** _
> 
> _**In a hidden tree** _
> 
> _**lies a fantasy** _
> 
> _**of mine** _
> 
> _**it sends shivers down my spine** _
> 
> _**but I think it anyway** _
> 
> _**I know its gonna happen someday** _
> 
> _**I know** _
> 
> _**I just do not show** _
> 
> _**my sadness-fear-elation-rage** _
> 
> _**my inner cage** _
> 
> _**well if nobody sees** _
> 
> **_nothing will ease_ **
> 
> **_the pain_ **
> 
> **_so there's no gain_ **
> 
> **_no more_ **
> 
> **-**
> 
> _**There's this thought that comes to haunt me. Every night of every day: I don't think I am wanted anymore. What if I cease to exist? My friends and I have separated. They wouldn't care so much. My godfather and father don't care already. My mother would be glad. If I suicide. There's this thought that comes to haunt me. Every night of every day: I don't think I am wanted anymore. What if I cease to exist? My friends and I have separated. They wouldn't care so much. My godfather and father don't care already. My mother would be glad. If I suicide.** _

_two pages later,_

> **_-that's why I won't._ **
> 
> **_I don't need to do something that will satisfy my mum._ **
> 
> **_I wont._ **
> 
> **_I need to stay strong._ **

_(For now)_


End file.
